Ranting and Raving

I have to do this, so please bear with me.

When I first met her, I treated her like all the others I had met before. I was nice, I was playful and I wanted her to feel comfortable around me. I think that worked. Although I did accidentally scare her with a Halloween mask right around the time we first met. Thankfully she forgave me for it.

As we got to know each other through repeated meetings, I think we both liked each other. In all honesty though, we thought a lot alike. We both needed attention and love, and we both gave that willingly. We had fun with each other. We had a common person to which we were, still are, and forever will be smitten with. It just fit.

When we all came together, it was the perfect little family. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company. She was ALWAYS excited to see me, and her smile made the troubles of life melt away. Not only did I have the love of my life, but I also had her there with us. It filled both of us with unimaginable joy. Even during the rough spots, she was a beacon of light to us.

She was a trooper as well. We dragged her all over the place, and she came willingly with that smile always there. She met knew people, and melted their hearts as easily as she had melted ours. I don’t believe a bad thing was ever said of her, nor a grudge ever held for long.

We moved along as a family, happy and healthy. And time creeped along with us. We knew the inevitable outcome, but it always seemed like something on a distant horizon, something in the future.

But it was catching up with her. The clouds in her eyes where more noticeable; her energy of years passed was no longer there; she slept longer and didn’t investigate every sound that the world made; her coloring began to fade.

The one thing that never, ever faded was her spirit. She might not be running up to me as I had opened the door, but she still came; she still smiled; she still loved unconditionally. Though even the spirit cannot keep the ravages of time at bay forever…..

That distant horizon, that inevitable future…..

With the assistance of time, it came crashing into us at what couldn’t have been a worse possible time. There comes a point, when the decision must be made. Laughingly called a ‘humane’ decision, it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with testing your humanity. So we made that decision…the most soul wrenching decision that can be made.

We spent our last day together. Her and I. I tried not to watch the clock tick the minutes away. I tried to just enjoy having her close to me. I tried to tell her in useless words how much she meant to me. I tried to make her happy. I want to believe that she was, that the pain I knew she was in was alleviated for those last hours together.

I know she was scared. I know she didn’t truly understand. I know that I am projecting feelings and emotions onto the situation that she didn’t have on the level that I do. But it makes no difference to me. It doesn’t make it go away or make it better.

I held her and told her I loved her and that I would miss her. And then she was gone…..

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I asked you in the beginning to bear with me for this as I needed to do this. And if you have stayed with me this long, I thank you and want to explain why I did this.

My life has been easy. I have never wanted for anything that I needed to survive. My wants have always been those of the selfish suburban white kid. My wants have always been material. My life has been easy.

This situation and the decision that was made have been the hardest thing I have ever done. It was the right decision, I do not disagree there. To not have made this decision would have been horribly, horribly selfish and would have prolonged pain and suffering for a being that deserved neither.

It still hurts though on a level I never thought possible, and for some reason I cannot seem to let it go. It has been tearing me up inside. If I see another dog in a certain light or hear a song or I even look at my keys hanging by the door, I am immediately brought back to those final moments and I begin to break down.

Earlier today I forced myself to listen to the song that has unfortunately been associated with this. I knew that I ran the chance of ruining my mood and my day, but I felt I HAD to listen to this song. I HAD to move on. I HAD to do this or it would not get better. And for the first time, I was able to listen to the song and not associate it with the bad memory, but associate it with the good memories and feel the hope and love that (as I see it) the song speaks of. My thoughts then led me to the outline that would become this post, and I knew then what I needed to do. And here it is.

I will never forget her, my wonderful dog Charlie. But, even though I am projecting again, I want to believe that she wouldn’t want me to beat myself up so much for what was done, not in malice, but in love. So I needed to do this. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to write about it.

And if no one reads it, that is fine. I did what I needed to do, and I feel now that I can move on and not let the bad overshadow the good anymore.

One final note; the song I spoke of is Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons. I think you should listen to it.

New York is moments, a point in time unlike the one before or next. One moment you are quietly riding the subway with all the other morning commuters and next there is a tejano band serenading the entire car. At the next stop, they move on and there is complete silence again. Moments.

Flying at thirty five thousand feet always helps to clear the mind of the chaos that life is.

Staring out the window and seeing how large and small the world is makes my problems seem insignificant.

If you look hard enough, you can see the abyss staring back.

Two weeks into the new position and things are moving along well. I am shadowing on a project today to get a feel for a ‘client site’.

I also have a few leads on assignments, and all I am waiting on is to see if folks think I fit the particular roles.

More updates to come.

I wake up groggy and achy. I get ready and spend forty minutes surrounded by humanity on it’s way to the grind. I sit at work, knowing what needs to be done, but fighting an often times loosing battle against apathy. I go home with the same human mass I came in with, all as lost as I am. I consume the opiate of entertainment and then I return to fitful dreams, only to begin all over again. I am going through the motions.

Tragedy struck me recently. My dog of ten years died of cancer. I had to bring her to the vet and have them put her to sleep, as she was no longer eating, and what little she ate she would regurgitate late at night. She was beginning to suffer, and I could not bear to watch one of the most beautiful animals I have ever met, suffer in any way.

I walked home from the vet that night, crying my eyes out in a way I never have before. I walked by people, who probably thought I was crazy, but cared not. I had lost something very dear to me, and nothing else in the world mattered.

From the moment the decision was made, the story below ran through my head. I do not know who the author is, nor do I care. I only care that the story exemplifies my experience with my dog, My Charlie.

On that day, and many since, the spot in my heart that held the piece of Charlie’s has lamented the loss. I know in time, the lament will fade and I will look fondly on the memories. For now though, my heart aches, and I long to see my Charlie one more time.

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”

The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared — how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed.

“You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”

“Yes,” said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love – I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.”

“Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges — giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.

Jeff: I need a grant

Jeff is online.
Sent at 1:47 PM on Tuesday
Bill: for what?

Sent at 2:04 PM on Tuesday
Jeff: research

Bill: I know I am going to regret asking…..
but what kind of research?

Jeff: see I had this epiphany

Bill: oh christ….

Jeff: i want a research team to study the decay rate of new music

Bill: ok….that seems oddly normal…..
what’s the catch?

Jeff: there are a static number of chords, a static number of notes, and a static number of words in any given language

Bill: and at some point, they will all be used
and you want to know when?

Jeff: YES

Bill: so you can patent them ahead of time and profit from it?
or at least your future family line

Jeff: by analyzing and creating an equation to combine each unique word, note and chord into individual entities, accounting for changes in rhythm and timing, we should be able to calculate a hard end date
as new music comes out it will be assimilated into the system, thus removing any new entries and refining the query

Bill: if it turns out to be 12-21-2012 we can’t be friends anymore
because if I hear one more half brained end of the world theory, I’ll go all Apocalypse on this place and bring it about myself
so you still haven’t said what the use of this knowledge will be

Jeff: as the query becomes infinitely more finite, the end date will become more salient
well
once the query result list reaches ~10 remaining combinations, I will write 10 songs so make use of each combination, and name them all the same thing
this way, when the query hits 1, I will release the final track and call it “The Last Song”
which in fact it will be
and thus will be the most epic piece of music ever created simply because no more music can ever follow it

Bill: so this isn’t about profit, but about megalomania
good enough for me…..
what can I do to help?

Jeff: well do you have any ideas on how I can abduct the data analysts from NASA and GOOGLE in a way that no one will notice and most of them will survive?
I see that as the first “hurdle”

Bill: And a significant hurdle it is…..
btw, I am posting this conversation on my blog….
it’s too good to be left here.

Jeff: originally my plan included creating an algorithm for abducting the analysts, but I needed analysts to write it and you can see the paradox that created

Bill: obviously

Sent at 2:52 PM on Tuesday
Jeff: of course if the “Final Song” happens to coincide with the a fore mentioned Mayan doomsday then I will naturally have the lyrics sung by a fat lady

Bill: I see you have really thought this through
i might open a foundation JUST to give you a grant to do this!

Jeff: in the spirit of transparency there may be some misappropriation of funds

Bill: that’s fine….in the same spirit of transparency, the procurement of said funds might not be entirely legal

Although the previous entry sounded a bit dark as to the prospects of my lateral move within my company, it was not the case. I have been offered and have taken a new position within my company that is client facing.

The new job is most definitely a step in the right direction career wise, as the opportunities for learning new skills, using the skills, and developing upon those skills are enormous.

On top of that, I feel that the good possibility of travel will help to nourish and expand my other interests. Chances to read while traveling, meet more people throughout the company, and to write more about my experiences will be available as well.

I am really excited about this and looking forward to beginning this next step.

As always, more to come as it develops.

I have had the flaky interview. I have had the interview that was done so that a quota could be met. I have had the interview that was a pyramid scheme pitch. And I have had the one that was really just a formality. Today, however, I had the interview that slapped me around and called me Susan…

Everyone has had this interview. You go in expecting to have a decent interview, not a pushover, but a decent one. And then it happens. For some reason the big guns get sent in. The person who knows it all and really is as good as you know they are. They nail you to the wall. The only thing you can think of is the scene from the Matrix, after Morpheus has handed Neo a whoopin, looks down at him and asks:

Do you think that’s air you are breathing? Hmmm..

It can really blow your day to hell.

That’s basically how it went down for me today. I didn’t go in there with any expectations of unbridled success. I know that there are areas of my knowledge that need work, and I am hoping this move into another group (in my company) will provide that. I actually APPRECIATE what this guy did, and I hope that he saw that I am willing to work hard to fill in those gaps….

But DAMN does it really give the ego a good kick in the bean bag….an unexpected one at that.

Adding a bit of insult to injury, I think I’m getting a cold.

Oh and its raining.

We Are Here: The Pale Blue Dot from dmahr on Vimeo.