Archive for category Conversations with Jeff
Jeff: is this….like….too far? http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/kitchen/dea2/?cpg=140H
Bill: not far enough if you ask me
there should be a god damn laser site of the thing
Jeff: oh that would have been great
Bill: in fact, it would be EVEN BETTER if it was a Laser Pizza Cutter
….gonna have to call them….
Jeff: and maybe red pepper flake dispenser from the aft photon torpedo tubes
Bill: see…THIS is why we are friends!!
Jeff: also, if you have an Enterprise pizza cutter, you MUST also create a Reliant ice cream scoop
Bill: which would only piss Khan off more because Kirk ended up with the lasers
i like where you are going with this
Jeff: opens the door for a line of “Genesis Project” instant meals
Jeff: “Can I cook or can’t I?”
Bill: and then we can work on your song and movie projects
Jeff: step 3 = profit
of course if you store the pizza cutter and the ice cream scoop in the same drawer they will be broken the next time you take them out
and there might be an exoplanet growing in with your pots and pans
Jeff: unless you pay extra for the “Motaran Nebula” storage box
Jeff: I need a grant
Jeff is online.
Sent at 1:47 PM on Tuesday
Bill: for what?
Sent at 2:04 PM on Tuesday
Bill: I know I am going to regret asking…..
but what kind of research?
Jeff: see I had this epiphany
Bill: oh christ….
Jeff: i want a research team to study the decay rate of new music
Bill: ok….that seems oddly normal…..
what’s the catch?
Jeff: there are a static number of chords, a static number of notes, and a static number of words in any given language
Bill: and at some point, they will all be used
and you want to know when?
Bill: so you can patent them ahead of time and profit from it?
or at least your future family line
Jeff: by analyzing and creating an equation to combine each unique word, note and chord into individual entities, accounting for changes in rhythm and timing, we should be able to calculate a hard end date
as new music comes out it will be assimilated into the system, thus removing any new entries and refining the query
Bill: if it turns out to be 12-21-2012 we can’t be friends anymore
because if I hear one more half brained end of the world theory, I’ll go all Apocalypse on this place and bring it about myself
so you still haven’t said what the use of this knowledge will be
Jeff: as the query becomes infinitely more finite, the end date will become more salient
once the query result list reaches ~10 remaining combinations, I will write 10 songs so make use of each combination, and name them all the same thing
this way, when the query hits 1, I will release the final track and call it “The Last Song”
which in fact it will be
and thus will be the most epic piece of music ever created simply because no more music can ever follow it
Bill: so this isn’t about profit, but about megalomania
good enough for me…..
what can I do to help?
Jeff: well do you have any ideas on how I can abduct the data analysts from NASA and GOOGLE in a way that no one will notice and most of them will survive?
I see that as the first “hurdle”
Bill: And a significant hurdle it is…..
btw, I am posting this conversation on my blog….
it’s too good to be left here.
Jeff: originally my plan included creating an algorithm for abducting the analysts, but I needed analysts to write it and you can see the paradox that created
Sent at 2:52 PM on Tuesday
Jeff: of course if the “Final Song” happens to coincide with the a fore mentioned Mayan doomsday then I will naturally have the lyrics sung by a fat lady
Bill: I see you have really thought this through
i might open a foundation JUST to give you a grant to do this!
Jeff: in the spirit of transparency there may be some misappropriation of funds
Bill: that’s fine….in the same spirit of transparency, the procurement of said funds might not be entirely legal