Archive for category Day to Day


A long way from home I had the chance to take a look at myself in the mirror. I did no like what stared back at me. To say it was death is an over-exaggeration that wastes melodrama better suited for something else. It was not health however, and that is no less troubling then the hooded specter.

I am weary of mind and body at too young an age. I need to make some changes, of habits and thoughts, from ill to good.

I am just unsure of the correct path, and whether o not the will is there to make the arduous first step.

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A Path

Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction…
-Tyler Durden

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Doing My Civic Duty

They got me….

Once again I have been selected to report for Jury Duty. So I am sitting here, in the Civil Court Jury Orientation room waiting to see if I will be picked.

Hopefully, like the time I had to report in Dallas, they won’t pick me and I’ll be out by noon.

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Paying the Piper

I went and enjoyed myself a bit too much on Saturday evening, partaking in several bottles of wine, a cigar and some Limoncello. Needless to say, I spent the better part of yesterday “praying” and then the rest of it laying down. And today I am in pain from muscles that haven’t been used in a while.

I think it has truly dawned on me that I am no longer as young as I think I am. These ‘adventures’ are starting to take longer and longer to recover from.

That sucks on a whole NEW level….

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Using Old Stuff Like New

Was digging through some old files on the laptop and found some tidbits that I wanted to blog about from two years ago that I never got a chance to put on the website. So I figured I’d post them now, so that you can see my stuff from two years ago and I can finally delete the files from my hard drive.

From April of 2008:

04/09/2008 – On the train ride home

Hipsters Abound!
Stayed later at work to take part in the monthly ‘meet and greet’ that the company has, I ended up taking a later L train from the office. Apparently, after 7pm all the hipsters get on the move. I wish I had a camera. There was the old hipster, who was more like an effeminate hippy with and assortment of silver jeweled rings and in skinny jeans; the Asian guy with big hair, and a scruffy 5 o’clock shadow in skinny jeans; the White Stripes look alike with bowler hat…and skinny jeans; and the rocker with the oversized “I’m a DJ and totally awesome” headphones in the sports blazer and skinny jeans.

I can’t get enough of hipsters.

They even have their own Olympics!

The Slob
On the train ride home, a guy sat down next to me and began to open some sushi he brought to eat, and begun such with his fingers. Stuffing giant pieces into his mouth and chewing like a cow. He had a bottle of water that he scrunched (making that annoying noise plastic water bottles make when scrunched) every time he took a drink. Once he finished, Hands greasy (i was almost expecting him to wipe them on my leg) he picked up the paper and began to flip through it. Wonderful companion on the train. I cannot wait until I move into the city. However, I’m not sure I’ll be allowed unless I get a pair of skinny jeans. 😉

From June of 2008

New York City in the Summer
Thoughts from the First Heat Wave of the Summer 6/8 – 6/10

New York has the ‘Smell of Humanity’ about it. Going into the subways, you are hit instantly hit by a hot musty smell reminiscent of feet, although much older and with more character. It is the smell of years and years of many people inhabiting a small area. The smell of detritus, garbage, sweat, and death. It makes you wonder how many people notice it, and how long it takes before it becomes just another smell in the background. Speaking of which, there was an overwhelming smell of ozone at 8th avenue and 14th street on the first day. The smell was heavy outside…I cannot imagine that is a good sign for such a short heat wave.

This heat wave made me appreciate the following:
– Central air and the prevalence of central air in Dallas in general.
– Made me put some REAL thought into buying a quality window unit.
– NYC cooks in this kind of weather, and another year of life gets burned into its surface.
– That I need to lose weight.

And there you go. Thoughts from when the city was new to me.

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Thoughts on the Train

I travel through all these places and rarely see anyone at work. I see the sites as they were left when the whistle blew on the previous Friday. Equipment parked, lights off and left to wait for the workers return on Monday morning. And upon my return, I see the same; Equipment parked and lights off. I see what is meant to be and what was, but I rarely see what is.

The marshlands of Jersey look peaceful, juxtaposed against the factories, bridges and highways that were built in them and around them. With the rising eastern Sun framing the entire scene, a ghostly image is created that mocks our modernity, as we mock the beauty of the natural world.

I sit at a desk in a windowless office with four other employees, in an office building that saw its prime pass over twenty years ago. Very little of it is occupied on a regular basis. An emptiness permeates portions of it…sections are dark and ignored. And walking into those areas feels as if you are entering another world, one where the life was taken without any notice or fanfare. Everything just…ended.

Listening to a pair of gentleman, who appear to work together, talking in the seats behind me. It amazes me how freely they talk in such a public environment. Have I unwittingly become a member of some secret club? Is there some unwritten law of traveling in Business Class, that all information is confidential and does not leave Business Class? I am not sure that I want to be a member…and no one even bothered to tell me what the dues cost….

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Best Day of the Year

4 Wonderful years and counting!!
The Happy Couple

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I have to do this, so please bear with me.

When I first met her, I treated her like all the others I had met before. I was nice, I was playful and I wanted her to feel comfortable around me. I think that worked. Although I did accidentally scare her with a Halloween mask right around the time we first met. Thankfully she forgave me for it.

As we got to know each other through repeated meetings, I think we both liked each other. In all honesty though, we thought a lot alike. We both needed attention and love, and we both gave that willingly. We had fun with each other. We had a common person to which we were, still are, and forever will be smitten with. It just fit.

When we all came together, it was the perfect little family. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company. She was ALWAYS excited to see me, and her smile made the troubles of life melt away. Not only did I have the love of my life, but I also had her there with us. It filled both of us with unimaginable joy. Even during the rough spots, she was a beacon of light to us.

She was a trooper as well. We dragged her all over the place, and she came willingly with that smile always there. She met knew people, and melted their hearts as easily as she had melted ours. I don’t believe a bad thing was ever said of her, nor a grudge ever held for long.

We moved along as a family, happy and healthy. And time creeped along with us. We knew the inevitable outcome, but it always seemed like something on a distant horizon, something in the future.

But it was catching up with her. The clouds in her eyes where more noticeable; her energy of years passed was no longer there; she slept longer and didn’t investigate every sound that the world made; her coloring began to fade.

The one thing that never, ever faded was her spirit. She might not be running up to me as I had opened the door, but she still came; she still smiled; she still loved unconditionally. Though even the spirit cannot keep the ravages of time at bay forever…..

That distant horizon, that inevitable future…..

With the assistance of time, it came crashing into us at what couldn’t have been a worse possible time. There comes a point, when the decision must be made. Laughingly called a ‘humane’ decision, it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with testing your humanity. So we made that decision…the most soul wrenching decision that can be made.

We spent our last day together. Her and I. I tried not to watch the clock tick the minutes away. I tried to just enjoy having her close to me. I tried to tell her in useless words how much she meant to me. I tried to make her happy. I want to believe that she was, that the pain I knew she was in was alleviated for those last hours together.

I know she was scared. I know she didn’t truly understand. I know that I am projecting feelings and emotions onto the situation that she didn’t have on the level that I do. But it makes no difference to me. It doesn’t make it go away or make it better.

I held her and told her I loved her and that I would miss her. And then she was gone…..


I asked you in the beginning to bear with me for this as I needed to do this. And if you have stayed with me this long, I thank you and want to explain why I did this.

My life has been easy. I have never wanted for anything that I needed to survive. My wants have always been those of the selfish suburban white kid. My wants have always been material. My life has been easy.

This situation and the decision that was made have been the hardest thing I have ever done. It was the right decision, I do not disagree there. To not have made this decision would have been horribly, horribly selfish and would have prolonged pain and suffering for a being that deserved neither.

It still hurts though on a level I never thought possible, and for some reason I cannot seem to let it go. It has been tearing me up inside. If I see another dog in a certain light or hear a song or I even look at my keys hanging by the door, I am immediately brought back to those final moments and I begin to break down.

Earlier today I forced myself to listen to the song that has unfortunately been associated with this. I knew that I ran the chance of ruining my mood and my day, but I felt I HAD to listen to this song. I HAD to move on. I HAD to do this or it would not get better. And for the first time, I was able to listen to the song and not associate it with the bad memory, but associate it with the good memories and feel the hope and love that (as I see it) the song speaks of. My thoughts then led me to the outline that would become this post, and I knew then what I needed to do. And here it is.

I will never forget her, my wonderful dog Charlie. But, even though I am projecting again, I want to believe that she wouldn’t want me to beat myself up so much for what was done, not in malice, but in love. So I needed to do this. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to write about it.

And if no one reads it, that is fine. I did what I needed to do, and I feel now that I can move on and not let the bad overshadow the good anymore.

One final note; the song I spoke of is Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons. I think you should listen to it.



New York is moments, a point in time unlike the one before or next. One moment you are quietly riding the subway with all the other morning commuters and next there is a tejano band serenading the entire car. At the next stop, they move on and there is complete silence again. Moments.

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Flying at thirty five thousand feet always helps to clear the mind of the chaos that life is.

Staring out the window and seeing how large and small the world is makes my problems seem insignificant.

If you look hard enough, you can see the abyss staring back.

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