Torn
I feel torn right now.
When I was in highschool, I feared the ‘rat race’ of the future. It was a strange fear, and something that I repressed. That’s what I tend to do with the real world things that scare me. I ignore them, hoping they go away on their own. They never do, and in fact, tend to get worse. This happens until I have to face down a much larger and more complicated problem. I’m getting better at dealing with this, but I still have a long way to go.
So this fear of the ‘rat race’ I had back then never did get resolved. I never thought to myself ‘What can I do now to avoid this in the future?’. Instead I ignored the fear, buried it, and did things to forget it. Little did I realize I was only making it worse.
I basically wanted some one else to take care of it….as you can guess, no one ever did. No one ever should have either. It was my burden to bear, and I just didn’t do it. I now pay the price for it.
I am neck deep in it now. With all the stress and nonsense that goes along with it. I dislike it, I see how I failed to avoid it, and I beat myslef up for being so lazy and naive.
I feel torn right now, because I have an opportunity to get ahead of the others, but I hate myself for even having to do it. I’m not using the backs of the others, it’s not that kind of thing. It is the fact that I dislike being in the race, but I continue to do everything to advance.
I feel torn because I am not sure that I want to do it, but I don’t know if I have any other choice.
Dream
Posted by RnR in Day to Day, NaBloPoMo, Random on March 2, 2011 11:20 am
I actually had this dream the other night, but it has stuck with me so I figure it is worth writing about. That being the case, today’s word is Dream.
A bit of a preface first. Killer aliens and monsters freak me the hell out. I saw Aliens for the first time when I was 10 and had to watch it in the middle of the day. Same goes with Predator and Predator 2. After seeing Signs, I was freaked out walking anywhere near forested areas at night. Although I can, and do, watch any of these movies when they are TV. However, I refuse to watch any Jason or Freddie movie and don’t even get me started on zombie movies. Even though I am vehemnetly anti-zombie, I always tend to linger to long when an ‘Of the Dead’ movie is on…knowing full well that sleep will not be forth coming if I continue watching. I can handle reading about zombies though. The only side affect being compulsive ‘how would I survive if..’ thinking. For instance, after reading World War Z, I began to analyze the ability to defend any location I was in from a zombie attack. Basically I’m a sucker for most these movies, even though I end up paying some price later on.
Now that you have that relevant and world view changing information, let me create the setting for you. I will draw comparisons to movies that one might have seen to help with visualization.
Commitment
Taking another crack at NaBloPoMo. The theme for March is “In A Word”. I can either choose a word to build a post around or use a word that is a good description of my life at that moment. Those are just some suggestions, but I think I can make those work.
I have tried this before with limited success, and that is why I am using the word ‘Commitment’ as my first post. I am going to commit to doing this for the month of March. It is something meaningful that I can work towards.
And, as John Scalzi has said,
But if you want to be a writer, than be a writer, for god’s sake. It’s not that hard, and it doesn’t require that much effort on a day to day basis. Find the time or make the time. Sit down, shut up and put your words together. Work at it and keep working at it. And if you need inspiration, think of yourself on your deathbed saying “well, at least I watched a lot of TV.” If saying such a thing as your life ebbs away fills you with existential horror, well, then. I think you know what to do.
The Posts of the Beast
Posted by RnR in Day to Day on February 24, 2011 12:59 pm
Jeff will find ifinite amusement in this. Although this Post does iterate that number
Too Much LoTR
Posted by RnR in Conversations with Jeff on February 23, 2011 2:06 pm
Jeff: I find myself on a Rush kick today
Bill: tried that one day…not really a fan
Jeff: to be honest I really only like 4 of their songs….
so to say I am on a kick is that I am listening to those songs 🙂
Bill: one being Tom Sawyer?
Jeff: naturally
great base line
Subdivisions is my favorite
Bill: fly by night?
Jeff: the other 2 are Limelight and Roll the Bones
Bill: ok
Jeff: fly by night has too much of a Boston-REO Speedwagon feel to it
Bill: how can you not be a fan of Boston and REO??
you seem the type to start belting out in public
Jeff: the reason you haven’t seen a reunion tour of REO Speedwagon is because I rounded them up, ground their hands to the wrist with a belt sander, hammered railroad spikes into their ears, sliced open their arteries and dragged them behind a salt truck (constantly spraying) at a speed just slow enough to let the pack of wolves nibble and lunge
Bill: ROFL
wow…your hatred runs deep
remind me not to piss you off
Jeff: i would have poured all of my hatred into my ring when it was being made, but the guy was in florida and I didn’t like the idea of blowing up should I lose the finger
Bill: but you’d get to be a really cool disembodied eye surrounded by flames
Jeff: true, but I don’t have Barad’dur
I don’t think they eye thing would be so cool sitting on top of my house
my view would be limited and I think it would freak my neighbor Bob* out
Bill: but you have the cursed souls of REO speedwagon to use to summon those to you who could build it for you
assuming that there are nine of them
Jeff: there were only 5
Bill: and I think Bob is made of sterner stuff…he might be worried about the property value mostly
Jeff: I’ll kill the offspring to round it out
Bill: there you go….or Boston….
whichever is easier
there is Journey too
Jeff: “Hello? Oh hey Bob what’s u….no, man you have it all wrong. See my ring came off and…..No I’m not staring at your daughter’s windows it’s just that……what do you want me to do I HAVE NO FUCKING EYELID!!!”
Bill: LOL
do you think you could check with him ahead of time, see how he might feel about it?
“Hey Bob, how’s winter been treating you? Yeah, I’ve made some long term investments, and if they should fall through, I might need to build a tower to contain the Giant Lidless Eye I’d become if they do go south. Any issues you might have with that, you know…just trying to be a good neighbor and all”
Jeff: I like your approach
Bill: thanks
Jeff: maybe I could pass it off with a “Neighborhood Watch” spin
Bill: see…now you’re thinking!
Jeff: i could save on phone bills too if I just gave people Pilantirs
Bill: you have them all accounted for?
Jeff: no….
Jeff: it’s probably for the best, seeing as how no one knows who made them and as such there are no manuals or tech support for my parents
*Names changed to protect the innocent bystanders and relatively pleasent neighbors
Weary
Posted by RnR in Day to Day, Random on January 31, 2011 8:23 am
A long way from home I had the chance to take a look at myself in the mirror. I did no like what stared back at me. To say it was death is an over-exaggeration that wastes melodrama better suited for something else. It was not health however, and that is no less troubling then the hooded specter.
I am weary of mind and body at too young an age. I need to make some changes, of habits and thoughts, from ill to good.
I am just unsure of the correct path, and whether o not the will is there to make the arduous first step.
A Path
Posted by RnR in Day to Day on January 4, 2011 8:54 am
Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction…
-Tyler Durden
Cataclysm
Posted by RnR in Gaming: MMO, Warcraft on December 15, 2010 5:09 pm
I have done it for each of the previous ones 😉
Observations at a Train Station
Written a few months back, while waiting for the train.
Not quite the fringes of modern society, but the feeling is different. While at Penn Station, you can feel New York. It permeates everything. And that of course means there is more traffic, more people, more…..something. I cannot quite put a word to the feeling. To say ‘society’ or ‘life’ would take away from other places or even go so far as belittle them.
But the other places I have been do not compare to the magnitude of that which you see in New York City. So I sit here, in this ‘mid-water’ station. Seeing the folks that probably exists at Penn, but because there are so many people there, you never notice them. Here though, they are thrown into sharp relief in my worldview.
So is that where the problem lies? Is it my worldview that puts the emphasis on the ‘better-ness’? (for lack of a more appropriate or grammatically correct word) Is it me?
I try not to be judgmental, but that is lip service to the built in Puritan guilt that all Americans seem to have. And those that come here from somewhere else seem to learn. Of course I am being judgemental, that’s just another…something…that permeates the landscape of this country.
Moving on….
I wonder why it is that I seem to be 10 years behind the curve on most things. I’m starting the life of the traveling consultant when I should have been doing this when I was 23. I am making life choices and future commitments almost a full decade behind those in my same age group and sometimes younger.
I need to figure out how to make the best of it. I need to figure out how to break some REALLY bad habits that I have. I need to learn how to learn again. For my benefit, and for the benefit of others.
Doing My Civic Duty
Posted by RnR in Day to Day on December 3, 2010 8:30 am
They got me….
Once again I have been selected to report for Jury Duty. So I am sitting here, in the Civil Court Jury Orientation room waiting to see if I will be picked.
Hopefully, like the time I had to report in Dallas, they won’t pick me and I’ll be out by noon.