Ranting and Raving

Because I do!!! Him and I had some words this morning between the wee hours of 2:30am and 3:30am…multiple times.

It starts out by the Wife and I hearing the garbage can being pushed across the driveway. Not just knocked over, but PUSHED across the driveway for a good five minutes before it gets knocked over. I get up, grab the flashlight, put on some shorts and a sweatshirt and take a look outside. There lies the garbage can…10 feet from where it should be, next to my car, tipped over and top off. The backside of Ricky Raccoon scurrying away. Damnit!

I walk over and the damage isn’t too bad. A small bag of papers is ripped a bit open but no mess made. I pick up the lid and the can and bring it back over to where it should be. I secure the lid on it and go back inside.

I proceed to walk upstairs, get undressed and wash my hands before getting back in bed.

No more than five minutes after I am in bed, we here the ‘SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH‘ of the can being dragged again. Mutha Fu….!!!

Up and dressed again. This time with flashlight and Louisville Slugger in hand. I open the back door and walk outside to see the can knocked over again with it’s top off. Still close to the house this time. I scan the yard for the little shit rodent and there it is. In the neighbors yard just on the other side of the post fence…staring right at me. By this point The Wife has opened the window above me and is looking out as well. She sees it as well and tells me. The damn thing then proceeds to begin WALKING BACK TOWARDS ME!!! All nonchalant and what not. It stops by the corner of the car (where it had dragged the can last time). It looks at me and then begins walking towards me some more! So I charge at it, waving the bat and making some noise (some sight by the way…half naked and half asleep) and the thing scurries off. I pick up the can again, this time moving the recycling bin and the small doggie doo trash can in front of it as well. When I walk back inside, I leave the back light on as The Wife suggests thinking that it will help deter our little Midnight Marauder.

Back upstairs, clothes back off, hands washed and back in bed.

‘SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH, THUMP’

GOD DAMNIT!!!

This time I just go out there with shorts on, and mag light in hand. The can is on it’s side and is rocking back and forth cause the little fucker is INSIDE the damn thing! I start yelling ‘GIT GIT GIT’ and it scurries out and heads toward the car again. I grab the snow shovel (which stands next to the trash can) and move towards the car. I proceed to slide the shovel under the car making a bit of a racket myself trying to scare the damn thing away. I back away a few feet and get down on my hands and knees to check under the car. Nothing. Ran off again.

I walk over to the can and notice that it knocked over the doggie doo can as well (thankfully everything is individually wrapped and nothing spilled out…is that TMI???). Nothing spilled out of the trash can this time, but it had torn the bag up a bit more. I pick everything up and proceed to make a bit of an obstacle course. I put the garbage can in the corner by the stars, the recycle bin open side up in front of it, the doggie doo can next to it on the other side and lay the shovels against it so that if anything falls, OH WHAT A RUCKUS SHALL BE MADE!!!

Inside. Clothes off. Hands washed. Into bed.

I make a comment to my wife that I wish I had a gun. She says “a bee bee gun?” No I say, a real one. She says excitedly “yeah, with a silencer!” and proceeds to make the noise of a silenced weapon. I think about it and tell her that, knowing my luck, I would have taken a shot at it that would have missed, ricocheted off the asphalt and proceeded to blow out one of my tires or put a hole in the gas tank of the car. She laughed and said I was probably right.

Thankfully that was the end of the visits for the morning. Unfortunately, it was now 3:30am and our alarm is set for 4:30am. Hooray for 1 hour of sleep!! 30 minutes if you count how long it took to fall back asleep.

I hate suburbia.

UPDATE: The Wife reminded me of something I missed. After the second incident she suggested getting the can of Glade air freshener out of the bathroom a spraying everything in the area with it. Her thinking was that maybe the smell would also help top keep the rodent away. I decided against it. But after the third time, well….let’s just say that this weekend we’ll need to hit Target for a new can of Glade and that the trash can, doggie poo can, the recycling bin, and the two snow shovels all have the refreshing smells of summer ferns and lavender. AND the damn thing didn’t return.