Ranting and Raving

I feel torn right now.

When I was in highschool, I feared the ‘rat race’ of the future. It was a strange fear, and something that I repressed. That’s what I tend to do with the real world things that scare me. I ignore them, hoping they go away on their own. They never do, and in fact, tend to get worse. This happens until I have to face down a much larger and more complicated problem. I’m getting better at dealing with this, but I still have a long way to go.

So this fear of the ‘rat race’ I had back then never did get resolved. I never thought to myself ‘What can I do now to avoid this in the future?’. Instead I ignored the fear, buried it, and did things to forget it. Little did I realize I was only making it worse.

I basically wanted some one else to take care of it….as you can guess, no one ever did. No one ever should have either. It was my burden to bear, and I just didn’t do it. I now pay the price for it.

I am neck deep in it now. With all the stress and nonsense that goes along with it. I dislike it, I see how I failed to avoid it, and I beat myslef up for being so lazy and naive.

I feel torn right now, because I have an opportunity to get ahead of the others, but I hate myself for even having to do it. I’m not using the backs of the others, it’s not that kind of thing. It is the fact that I dislike being in the race, but I continue to do everything to advance.

I feel torn because I am not sure that I want to do it, but I don’t know if I have any other choice.