Ranting and Raving

I have to do this, so please bear with me.

When I first met her, I treated her like all the others I had met before. I was nice, I was playful and I wanted her to feel comfortable around me. I think that worked. Although I did accidentally scare her with a Halloween mask right around the time we first met. Thankfully she forgave me for it.

As we got to know each other through repeated meetings, I think we both liked each other. In all honesty though, we thought a lot alike. We both needed attention and love, and we both gave that willingly. We had fun with each other. We had a common person to which we were, still are, and forever will be smitten with. It just fit.

When we all came together, it was the perfect little family. We continued to laugh and enjoy each others company. She was ALWAYS excited to see me, and her smile made the troubles of life melt away. Not only did I have the love of my life, but I also had her there with us. It filled both of us with unimaginable joy. Even during the rough spots, she was a beacon of light to us.

She was a trooper as well. We dragged her all over the place, and she came willingly with that smile always there. She met knew people, and melted their hearts as easily as she had melted ours. I don’t believe a bad thing was ever said of her, nor a grudge ever held for long.

We moved along as a family, happy and healthy. And time creeped along with us. We knew the inevitable outcome, but it always seemed like something on a distant horizon, something in the future.

But it was catching up with her. The clouds in her eyes where more noticeable; her energy of years passed was no longer there; she slept longer and didn’t investigate every sound that the world made; her coloring began to fade.

The one thing that never, ever faded was her spirit. She might not be running up to me as I had opened the door, but she still came; she still smiled; she still loved unconditionally. Though even the spirit cannot keep the ravages of time at bay forever…..

That distant horizon, that inevitable future…..

With the assistance of time, it came crashing into us at what couldn’t have been a worse possible time. There comes a point, when the decision must be made. Laughingly called a ‘humane’ decision, it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with testing your humanity. So we made that decision…the most soul wrenching decision that can be made.

We spent our last day together. Her and I. I tried not to watch the clock tick the minutes away. I tried to just enjoy having her close to me. I tried to tell her in useless words how much she meant to me. I tried to make her happy. I want to believe that she was, that the pain I knew she was in was alleviated for those last hours together.

I know she was scared. I know she didn’t truly understand. I know that I am projecting feelings and emotions onto the situation that she didn’t have on the level that I do. But it makes no difference to me. It doesn’t make it go away or make it better.

I held her and told her I loved her and that I would miss her. And then she was gone…..

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I asked you in the beginning to bear with me for this as I needed to do this. And if you have stayed with me this long, I thank you and want to explain why I did this.

My life has been easy. I have never wanted for anything that I needed to survive. My wants have always been those of the selfish suburban white kid. My wants have always been material. My life has been easy.

This situation and the decision that was made have been the hardest thing I have ever done. It was the right decision, I do not disagree there. To not have made this decision would have been horribly, horribly selfish and would have prolonged pain and suffering for a being that deserved neither.

It still hurts though on a level I never thought possible, and for some reason I cannot seem to let it go. It has been tearing me up inside. If I see another dog in a certain light or hear a song or I even look at my keys hanging by the door, I am immediately brought back to those final moments and I begin to break down.

Earlier today I forced myself to listen to the song that has unfortunately been associated with this. I knew that I ran the chance of ruining my mood and my day, but I felt I HAD to listen to this song. I HAD to move on. I HAD to do this or it would not get better. And for the first time, I was able to listen to the song and not associate it with the bad memory, but associate it with the good memories and feel the hope and love that (as I see it) the song speaks of. My thoughts then led me to the outline that would become this post, and I knew then what I needed to do. And here it is.

I will never forget her, my wonderful dog Charlie. But, even though I am projecting again, I want to believe that she wouldn’t want me to beat myself up so much for what was done, not in malice, but in love. So I needed to do this. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to write about it.

And if no one reads it, that is fine. I did what I needed to do, and I feel now that I can move on and not let the bad overshadow the good anymore.

One final note; the song I spoke of is Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons. I think you should listen to it.