Archive for category Conversations with Jeff
Bill: What is the website where youn get your framed art from?
Jeff: (link TO HORRIFYING PORN SITE)
Primer: Jeff visited a year ago and convinced us to buy a puppy on a whim. We already had one dog. So now, he is on a mission to do the same thing every time he visits.
Jeff: I am going to bring presents for the doggies
Bill: cool, they’ll love to see you
Jeff: I’m basically Indy’s agent, she was on waivers and I got her signed to a 14 year contract
Bill: nice! good work
Jeff: they are having an adoption event at your Petco on 11/2 from 2-6. I’ll see if I can move my flight up
Jeff: we can’t break tradition Bill. there must be puppies
Bill: no more puppies Jeff….
Jeff: oh yes Bill, there WILL be puppies. you need a nice dobie to balance out the other 2. maybe we could mix things up, get you a Serval
Bill: no Jeff, that would only lead to bad things
Jeff: you’re right, let’s just play it by ear. but I think we can agree that by saturday evening you will have a new pet
Bill: No Jeff
Jeff: two new pets? how about a Lemur
Bill: no Jeff
Jeff: these guys are near you and they breed Lemurs: http://castleberrysafari.com/lemur/
let me know what time we are going to the brewery and I will schedule a visit around that
Jeff: #howaboutacoatimundi. honestly I am just excited to go pet shopping. i love pet shopping
Jeff: you know you can own a Kangaroo in your state?
Bill: no, but now I know
Jeff: like, how can you not act on that?
Bill: that is a good question…..right off the top of my head I would say that my HOA won’t allow the extended fence height
Jeff: lower your lawn. done
Bill: I….I can’t…..I can’t argue with that logic
Jeff: you could fill the pouch with ice and beer in the summer probably
i am starting to like your state
Bill: I bet you are LOVING the UI and design of that site
Jeff: i had to close the tab. i know that it exists and that we can get a kangaroo there, that is enough. if we go to dallas we should go there and pet a kangaroo. for science
Jeff: sing along with the words!
“If you’re in Texas, the thing to do”
Bill: no jeff
“Is take your pal to see a Kangaroo!”
“If you own a nice home in the south”
“Buy a Kangaroo to live in your house!”
“The perfect two, you and Roo”
“So many wonderful things to do”
“Watch some tv on your couch!”
“Or store your beer inside it’s pouch”
“They’re great with dogs, they have cool claws”
“To make sure your neighbors obey the laws”
“And if a stranger comes in your house”
“Roo can knock his black ass out! (*the lyrics of this song do not represent the views of this corporation)”
“So now you all know what to do”
“Drive on home and buy a Roo!”
Jeff: mind = blown
Bill: do share
Jeff: “Develop understanding and insights by building robust empathy with clients across key vectors needed to fuel innovation”
Bill: ow ow ow ow ow
why did you make me read that?!?!?!?!
Jeff: I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE SOME OF THE PAIN AWAY BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AT ALL
Bill: that’s like reading a page from the Necronomicon…..
where did you get that from?
Jeff: an email I just got from someone on our data science team who attended a “innovation training session”
Bill: have you fired them for harassment yet?
Jeff: I am too preoccupied with trying to find the materials necessary to exorcize my laptop
Bill: because that is verbal, physical and sexual harassment right there
You’ll need an Old priest and young priest
something borrowed, something blue…..wait….no….that’s for a marriage
Jeff: yeah and make one Buddhist or something
Bill: don’t you need a baboon to hold it up to the rising sun as well?
Jeff: that way they can synergize on cross-denominational faithisms and marginalize the web 4.0 “best of breed” methodologies needed to ideate the best go-to-market strategy
Bill: GOD DAMMIT JEFF!!!
Jeff: MY FUCKING EYES!!!
Bill: BURN IT WITH FIRE!!!
Jeff : so ghostbusters 3 is a thing…without Murray or Ramis…or Reitman directing, as he has left the project
Bill : it’s gonna be 2 hours of akroyd yelliing about government conspiracies
Jeff : and drinking crystal skull vodka
they said the script doesn’t contain anything for Murray because he was difficult to reach
Jeff : so it was mostly penned by Akroyd and Reitman
I see potential for this project
we could get Guillermo del Torro to direct now
so the ghosts would be pretty epic, but the rest of the story would be pretty flat
or we can get Christopher Nolan to direct, reboot the series, make it dark and gritty
make them paranormal soldiers fighting the first wave of a supernatural war
Bill : oh, oh…..do Abrams now!!!
Jeff :Abrams would reboot the series where a future Peter comes back in time to try and warn the younger versions of themselves about a demon they encounter that kills the team and opens the mortal realm to the horrors of its dimension
Abrams would keep some of the comedic elements of the originals while also giving the series a more action-oriented, dramatic flavor
Bill : Joss Whedon
Jeff : Joss would set the series closest to the original, with the lighthearted humor that made the first film so successful. He would introduce at least 2 love interests into the team, and I believe one of the Ghostbusters would be female. He would also employ a plot on a far grander scale, with a supernatural enemy that actually is killing people or worse rather than representing some existential dominance scenario
The ghostbusters would also likely exist outside of societal norms, rather than the celebrity status they enjoyed in the first 2 films (though he may lead them into celebrity to introduce the issues it causes them in the next film)
Bill : i <3 you
Jeff : 😉
Bill : Speilberg!
Jeff : Speilberg would likely go with Akroyd and Murray, portraying them in their retirement. The death of Egon would reunite them after a long period of estrangement. At the funeral, a curator of a museum would beg them for help as his daughter has been posessed by an ancient artifact of some sort.
The film would take some heavy judeo-christian undertones, addressing demons and angels rather thank the odd ghosts from the first 2 films
There would still be a fair amount of laughs, with some of the corny nature of the first 2 films
Saving the girl would galvanize the two, making them realize the need for their expertise, which would result with the formation of a new team under their leadership, setting the stage for future films
*care would need to be taken to ensure that a) no fucking aliens AND b) Lucas isn’t made aware of the project until after it has finished editing
Bill : LOL!!!!
Jeff: we should schedule a weekend for us to come down
yes we should
September is booked up for us, however things look to clear up around 10/14
i’ll have to confirm with The Wife, as she is the Keeper of Time
I’m pretty sure she’s a member of the Bronze flight…but I cannot be certain 😉
Jeff: so what you’re saying is that if I get through the city fast enough to your place, I get a mount?
Jeff: we should see spiderman
Jeff: ok, but yes
Bill: i shall not do that
Jeff: yeah you will
come on, U2, possible injury
Bill: but it is a musical…about SpiderMan….
it’s like Bono had NO IDEA what a comic book is
Jeff: I hear he randomly drops from the ceiling and gives an audience member the “upside down kiss”. That could be you Bill
Bill: nope…just checked….that IS NOT on my bucket list….
Jeff: if you read the spiderman comics they are basically a musical anyway
Bill: Jeff…this conversation needs to end before it begins
we are looking into the abyss here, and I fear neither of us will return….unscathed….
Jeff: i hear in the sequel play Spiderman’s battle with Doc Oc will be performed to Smashing Pumpkins: Disarmed
Bill: Eldritch horrors……
Jeff: there is a touching moment when he is clinging to the side of a building, holding MJ, reflecting on his life. Right then Lionel Ritchie walks out and sings “Stuck On You”
Bill: ….Mountains of Madness type stuff….
Jeff: I don’t know how I feel about Ang Lee directing, especially with the Spiderman – Wolverine camping scene
I’m sure it will work out though
Bill: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn
also…I see what you did there…0_o
Jeff: also, Venom is going to be washed up crude oil from the BP spill, so they can send an environmental message
Bill: I implore you…do not continue down this path…..
Jeff: it will be ok Bill, they can change it all up in the 3rd play when M. Night. Shyamalan directs and you find out that the entire life of spiderman was just a dream in the mind of a software developer with a bad fever
……named Mr. Anderson
Bill: In the words of the late Master Computer…
“end of line”
Jeff: i have an experiment
for the next 30 days I want you to listen to nothing but Public Enemy: Fear of a Black Planet
at work, in the car, eating, sleeping
when you speak with your wife, either the beginning or end of each sentence must be lyrics from a song on the album
and the end of the 30 days, I want to know how the past month has altered the way each of you feel about frozen yogurt and/or frozen juice bars
Bill: before I commit to this, can I see the full proposal?
Jeff: I think it would be best if you didn’t
Bill: and when you say lyrics, must it be an entire line or just one word?
a full line
for example: “Hey hon, how was Tulsa?”
“90 damn days on a slaveship, count up now 1 2 3 4 HUNDRED AT A TIME!”
“it was great”
Bill: watched B roll gameplay footage from D3 Press tour…it looks decent
Jeff: me too
i don’t get all the hate in the comments
looked perfect to me
but SWTOR….my god
Jeff: yeah that looks even better
Bill: it looks good, but the story and the lore are being a$$ raped
i’m a stickler for lore in SW though
Jeff: are you referring to the part about how the sith worship that queen spider that gave the first of them their powers?
Bill: i hate you
Jeff: or was it the part where Yoda hides in the fridge to survive the atomic blast?
Bill: Dear Lord, please grant me the mind powers to smite Jeff, from where I sit….Amen
Jeff: I mailed dozens of submissions to help improve the lore
Bill: i bet you did
Jeff: like how Ewoks are actually descendents of wookies, but they shrunk due to the higher gravity on Endor
Bill: please stop…..
everytime you say that, a small part of me wails in infinite pain, and then dies
Jeff: so I should skip the part about yoda being a diminutive gungan…..
Twileks keep all their midichlorians in their tendrils, so if you cut them off they lose their powers…….
Bill: you are enjoying this way too much
Jeff: they can also milk them to give the force to others
Bill: that’s….that’s……omg…evil, pure evil
Jeff: I’ll leave you with this to ponder on:
Bill: you make zorg seem like the ideal candidate to open a daycare for underprivelaged children
Jeff: the greatest Sith of all time was created as the result of a Twilek bukake party
Jeff: there was much hate in him
Bill: < .< >.>
………you’re a bastard…….
Jeff: every time you see the force being used, in the back of your mind you will hear the whisper “Twilek milk….”
Bill: this is going on the website….
Jeff: so are you still planning on coming up in 2 weeks?
i’ll be returning from Europe in 2 weeks
Jeff: otherwise I need to figure out what to do with all of these ferrets
when do you leave?
Jeff: now I have to invent something powered by ferrets
they’re not puppies bill
you can’t just dump Cambodian breast milk all over them and produce fusion
Bill: what about thai baby formula?
Jeff: shipping would kill me
Chinese knockoff gerber baby food?
Jeff: i wonder if I could safely distribute my weight over 1000 ferrets
Bill: how close together would they be?
Jeff: ferrets have a innate sense of personal space, so maybe 3″
Bill: would they just be really close to each other or physically attached
Jeff: i would have to make a massive harness
Bill: hmmm….that might not work….without some gorilla glue
Jeff: also their ground speed isn’t high enough for highway travel
Bill: even multiplied by 1000?
Jeff: i could take surface streets though
Bill: the commute on surface streets would be enjoyable
Jeff: i could steer them with an old sneaker
ferrets go fucking bonkers for old sneakers
Bill: and big toes….
i ferret sat one for Nili’s buddy Steve….fucking thing kept biting my toe when I let it out
Jeff: i think I have a way to create a contained perpetual energy system with them
each ferret will be placed in a clear sphere connecting to a number of actuators
Bill: i’d be interested in the investment opportunities of this idea of yours
Jeff: a series of cables will carry old shoes throughout the facility, causing them to move around and thus generate electricity
a couple times a day a small tube will inject pressurized water into the spheres containing fire ants
the insuing conflict would generate massive amounts of power, and the ferrets will eventually eat the ants
waste will be sucked out of the sphere and used to feet the ant colony
Bill: that is more of a self contained system as opposed to a perpetual motion system
but the idea has……ferrets……!!!
Jeff: not perpetual motion, just a contained energy system
i bet one ferret cube could power at least 100 homes
Bill: how many ferrets in a ferret cube?
Jeff: let’s say 1000
so startup costs would be the animals, ant colonies, and the machinery itself
Bill: so with the 1000 ferrets you currently have and some seed money, you could technically power your town?
Jeff: automation should minimize staff
Bill: more or less
Jeff: yeah pretty much
Bill: there is the shaws down the street
what kind of ferret attrition rate are you expecting?
Jeff: i would expect 1-5 deaths per month
Bill: and what kind of fire ant containment procedures do you ahve on draft?
Jeff: easy way around that is to connect random male and female pods once a day
Bill: but then you’d have to remove the females during gestation so as not to hurt them and the young
so you have to take that into account
Jeff: oh, and a bunch of old sneakers
Bill: i like this idea
Jeff: yeah the breeding algorithm would need to evolve over time to minimize impact without endangering the population
Jeff: and fire ants are dumb, they emit a chemical signal that the colony is in danger so they all come running
at injection time we just release the chemical in the collection area and suck them into the water injection system
Jeff: are you going to bring me treasures from europe?
Jeff: where are your destinations
Bill: Barcelona, the Cinque Terra and Florence/Tuscany
Jeff: be sure to eat some Paella while in Barcelona
Bill: that’s the plan
The Wife is hoping for some good stuff, as she has yet to find any of value here in the states
Jeff: the best in found in Valencia
you should buy some spices in Barcelona too
Jeff: good stuff there like saffron
in Italy pick up oils and truffles
also, you should visit Alexandretta
Bill: Alexandretta…..isn’t that in Egypt?
Jeff: yeah mediterranian side
there is an old trail south of the city that winds through the mountains and leads to the canyon of the crescent moon
if you follow the canyon you will find an old building built into the rock
there is an old man living there who is holding a cup for me, if you could grab it I would appreciate it
Jeff: I find myself on a Rush kick today
Bill: tried that one day…not really a fan
Jeff: to be honest I really only like 4 of their songs….
so to say I am on a kick is that I am listening to those songs 🙂
Bill: one being Tom Sawyer?
great base line
Subdivisions is my favorite
Bill: fly by night?
Jeff: the other 2 are Limelight and Roll the Bones
Jeff: fly by night has too much of a Boston-REO Speedwagon feel to it
Bill: how can you not be a fan of Boston and REO??
you seem the type to start belting out in public
Jeff: the reason you haven’t seen a reunion tour of REO Speedwagon is because I rounded them up, ground their hands to the wrist with a belt sander, hammered railroad spikes into their ears, sliced open their arteries and dragged them behind a salt truck (constantly spraying) at a speed just slow enough to let the pack of wolves nibble and lunge
wow…your hatred runs deep
remind me not to piss you off
Jeff: i would have poured all of my hatred into my ring when it was being made, but the guy was in florida and I didn’t like the idea of blowing up should I lose the finger
Bill: but you’d get to be a really cool disembodied eye surrounded by flames
Jeff: true, but I don’t have Barad’dur
I don’t think they eye thing would be so cool sitting on top of my house
my view would be limited and I think it would freak my neighbor Bob* out
Bill: but you have the cursed souls of REO speedwagon to use to summon those to you who could build it for you
assuming that there are nine of them
Jeff: there were only 5
Bill: and I think Bob is made of sterner stuff…he might be worried about the property value mostly
Jeff: I’ll kill the offspring to round it out
Bill: there you go….or Boston….
whichever is easier
there is Journey too
Jeff: “Hello? Oh hey Bob what’s u….no, man you have it all wrong. See my ring came off and…..No I’m not staring at your daughter’s windows it’s just that……what do you want me to do I HAVE NO FUCKING EYELID!!!”
do you think you could check with him ahead of time, see how he might feel about it?
“Hey Bob, how’s winter been treating you? Yeah, I’ve made some long term investments, and if they should fall through, I might need to build a tower to contain the Giant Lidless Eye I’d become if they do go south. Any issues you might have with that, you know…just trying to be a good neighbor and all”
Jeff: I like your approach
Jeff: maybe I could pass it off with a “Neighborhood Watch” spin
Bill: see…now you’re thinking!
Jeff: i could save on phone bills too if I just gave people Pilantirs
Bill: you have them all accounted for?
Jeff: it’s probably for the best, seeing as how no one knows who made them and as such there are no manuals or tech support for my parents
*Names changed to protect the innocent bystanders and relatively pleasent neighbors