Archive for category Random
When it rains, it pours.
Fighting some sort of stomach bug while on the road, my father is in the ICU for shortness of breath and fluid in the lungs. I cannot focus on work, although I have things to do. I have to get on an airplane to get home. I live 2500 miles from my parents. I cannot stop my mind from going to horrible places. I’m tired. I ache.
I’m kinda done with this shit….
Why me? I can’t do this? I have never done this before? I don’t know if I can? What if I fail?
Why me!? What were they thinking!? Why does it have to be so hard!? What the fuck is wrong with theses people!?
WHY ME!?!? What have I done to deserve this!?!? Why does everything have to be so hard for me!?!? Why did you put me here!?!? You said this would be good!?!? You knew I was going to fail, didn’t you!?!? DIDN’T YOU!?!?!
Why me…..? I’m never going to get anywhere, am I? I’m never going to be happy, am I? I’m going to be stuck here forever, aren’t I? Am I going to die like this….alone and miserable?
I sit here at my desk, angry at the lack of professionalism of a multi national multi billion dollar company. I wallow in my own first world self pity, laughing at it ironically the whole time.
I dream of the landscapes of Blade Runner, The Matrix, Fight Club and Mad Max and wonder when it will all come to pass. Or will it at all?
I read the news about the nihilism of modern media, the corruption of modern politics, the destruction by modern corporations, the expanse of the poor, the ineptitude and delusions of the rich and the destruction of the middle class….and I don’t do a damn thing. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the corporation has the same rights as a man.
I want more than what I have but I don’t want to work for it. I am the epitome of the self entitled person. I want to lead the revolution…..but I can’t forget to pay the rent and I need to pay off my credit card debt. I want to live in the wide open spaces of the mid west; I want to live in the heart of the city; I want to live on the beach with my dog who can catch a frisbee.
A pain in the ass colleague just walked up and totally killed my concentration…..
I understand that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and although it is not my nature, I have made a concerted effort to be involved. However, I’m tired of chasing. I’ve been chasing all my life. It’s time that those out there interested and/or needing me involved come to me.
I understand the consequences of this decision. No one can read my mind (thankfully), so those who do not see me as important enough to have included as it is, will not even notice the change. You can’t win them all, but at some point a line in the sand must be drawn.
I haven’t had a hard life, but at the same time it hasn’t been roses and lollipops either. I am still looking for that place, that one place, where I feel I belong.
I have been reading a lot lately about the digital footprint that people are leaving on the web. Coupled with the debate around Googles seemingly anti “do no evil” stance against anonymity on the web, and Facebook’s total disregard for privacy, I have been giving more and more thought to my own digital footprint.
A recent google search of my name had relevant information about me on the front page. Granted, it was the bottom of the front page, but the front page nonetheless. Watching the way the world is going has also been making me more and more nervous. What if did come down to the line and I had to go “off the grid”, or even something not as harsh, but what if I have to hide my actions from an overzealous govenment/organization looking to cause trouble. How would I disconnect my personal life from the digital life?
I know that this sounds alarmist and crazy, but the more I read between the lines, the more I see something bad coming. The future is no longer the bright, happy place we all though it was at the turn of the century, or even eight years later when the “hope and change” bus came steamrolling in. Nor is it truly the dark dystopian future that we see in movies and television, read in books, or play in our video games. I see the world coming to an, Event Horizon, for lack of a better term. The point of no return, but also the point beyond which we cannot see and we do not know.
But enough of this high handed ‘no one can tell the future’ talk….there was a point to this when I started and I need to get back to it….
I have begun to identify and consolidate my digital information as best I can. No doubt I will miss something…or more likely several things. I need to start somewhere though. It will begin with standardizing my ‘username’ on the web. From there, I will begin to remove the unique identifier that is my given name from what I can. Eventually I hope to have just the ‘username’ out in the wild, and severe as many connections between it and my real life as possible. I cannot disconnect myself completely, without scrapping everything, so there will remain a few strands left.
Once the consolidation portion is complete, we’ll see what happens. The dreamer in me hopes that physical security and self sustainability would be next, but knowing myself I just cannot see me doing it. Who knows though. 😉
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Everyday I fight not to give up. Everyday I want to.
I feel torn right now.
When I was in highschool, I feared the ‘rat race’ of the future. It was a strange fear, and something that I repressed. That’s what I tend to do with the real world things that scare me. I ignore them, hoping they go away on their own. They never do, and in fact, tend to get worse. This happens until I have to face down a much larger and more complicated problem. I’m getting better at dealing with this, but I still have a long way to go.
So this fear of the ‘rat race’ I had back then never did get resolved. I never thought to myself ‘What can I do now to avoid this in the future?’. Instead I ignored the fear, buried it, and did things to forget it. Little did I realize I was only making it worse.
I basically wanted some one else to take care of it….as you can guess, no one ever did. No one ever should have either. It was my burden to bear, and I just didn’t do it. I now pay the price for it.
I am neck deep in it now. With all the stress and nonsense that goes along with it. I dislike it, I see how I failed to avoid it, and I beat myslef up for being so lazy and naive.
I feel torn right now, because I have an opportunity to get ahead of the others, but I hate myself for even having to do it. I’m not using the backs of the others, it’s not that kind of thing. It is the fact that I dislike being in the race, but I continue to do everything to advance.
I feel torn because I am not sure that I want to do it, but I don’t know if I have any other choice.
I actually had this dream the other night, but it has stuck with me so I figure it is worth writing about. That being the case, today’s word is Dream.
A bit of a preface first. Killer aliens and monsters freak me the hell out. I saw Aliens for the first time when I was 10 and had to watch it in the middle of the day. Same goes with Predator and Predator 2. After seeing Signs, I was freaked out walking anywhere near forested areas at night. Although I can, and do, watch any of these movies when they are TV. However, I refuse to watch any Jason or Freddie movie and don’t even get me started on zombie movies. Even though I am vehemnetly anti-zombie, I always tend to linger to long when an ‘Of the Dead’ movie is on…knowing full well that sleep will not be forth coming if I continue watching. I can handle reading about zombies though. The only side affect being compulsive ‘how would I survive if..’ thinking. For instance, after reading World War Z, I began to analyze the ability to defend any location I was in from a zombie attack. Basically I’m a sucker for most these movies, even though I end up paying some price later on.
Now that you have that relevant and world view changing information, let me create the setting for you. I will draw comparisons to movies that one might have seen to help with visualization.